I apologise for those who wont understand a thing I say below. Especially you Janey, I know you complain to lanzy that you dont understand what I type. Hahahaha! Im hearing you Janey.

Why do you keep thinking Im against you? I am at my wits end, trying to persuade you that Im not against you.

Lets start of on the right footing here okay? Wouldnt want any sam-lillian-mophair misunderstanding again now would we?

If my words seem to flatter you and you start rolling your eyes, stop and wait til your calm again.

I am agitated not angry not upset but extremely calm. I assure you from the bottom of my heart, I mean no bad intent. My emotions are mixed with my words. Dont misunderstand.

Everything I write here are honesty right to the root of the words. I've chosen them with great consideration.

Number1.
What my friends say isnt what Im thinking. I dont think you have a black heart. I dont give a fuck what they say, why wont you understand? They dont know what I know, they dont feel as I feel.

Number2.
I didnt accuse you of cheating. I HONESTLY just wanted to know IF WHAT MY FRIENDS SAID were TRUE. If I sounded as though I was self righteously accusing, Im sorry I meant no accusational intent.

Number3.
What have I done to "punish" you? Have you HEARD or SEEN me call you a BITCH/EVIL/BLACK HEARTED/COLD HEARTED/DERANGED/CRAZY? That was the first time I got angry in your face. Show me some face luh... Im human too, I get angry even if I seem emotionless on the surface.

Number4.
Everytime your angry, I ask you what happen. Because I understand you like everyone else needs attention so Im giving it to you. If my attention was what you wanted, you had it. You want it, you can have it.

But it wasnt my attention you wanted, you wanted mophair girl's attention, that I know, so I do what I can, when I do notice her, I call you, I text you, for you. Tell me who would do that for someone who broke their heart? Would you honestly do that for me, if I broke your heart? I dont know about you, but it takes me a lot of my courage to do that. I dont need you to say thank you for that, I just want to you be happy.

Number5.
I dont look down at you, what makes you think I care whether you are rich or poor? If I really cared whether I had to pay for all the dinners, I wouldnt even bother asking you out. But paying for dinner is nothing, I am trading money and chicken to show you that I will be there for you. When I said no matter how much shit you fling at me, I will still be your friend, I meant every single word right down to the connotations.

Number6.
I AM CRITICAL. I am totally overprotective of you and my heart. I know you stand up for me, I know you cared deeply, I know you loved me, but I never got the chance to thank you. So my gifts to you were how I could express myself. I know you cry, I know you feel sad, I know I cant fill the gap, but I try to be the friend you need. I try to shield you from the unpleasant things in life, tried to tell you my past, tried to let you see what I saw so you wont feel the pain that I had to go through.

I was so overprotective of you, almost to the point I felt miserable when I read that you were in pain when you smoked. I wouldnt say I was the most caring partner you could have, but I tried to be the best person I could. I didnt even want to see a scratch on you, I realised that I couldnt do that. I couldnt hug you when you needed a hug, thats why I stood there with open arms and ears, and I am still standing here, but if you dont need me, then I wont linger.

Number7.
If you really think that badly of me, think that I like to see you in pain. Then nothing I say can change that, and Im sorry. My words are as good as my intentions. I am my words, all my friends dont doubt me because I stay true to what I say. My words are my bond. I have nothing to hide, my cards are on the table, I dont believe in being secretive, I dont believe in lying to people I love.

The nun in my school told me something, something I hold dear to my heart. Integrity, its the thing that makes us stand out from the rest of the world. It makes us different from the rest.

Number8.
If we keep getting angry at each other, this friendship wont be able to make it. What makes you think I dont want you as my friend? Hell, I want you as my friend. Persistence, I am a pest, I will be here if you need me because I dont judge my friends, I love them. I understand that friends come with good times, they also come with bad ones, they are only human.

Maybe you couldnt believe that my heart is that earnst or my intentions that good. I am not self righteous, I am flawed I know that, but I do what I can to make up for it. I believe that honest questions merit honest answers.

Im not the victim in this story, neither are you because, to me, our story was the victim. I was too dam critical and anal, our story was miamed. You regretted everything you did with me, our story was miamed. Im sorry to our story, that it had to end so soon, too soon and it was blamed, cursed, and spat at.

But everything can be saved. The best times are still kept in my heart, without bitterness.

Last.
When we broke, I could've chose to be bitter or sweet. I chose to be sweet, take the good times for the good times and forget the bad times. Which did you pick love?

God, please keep her safe from harm.