I'll bleed this skyline dry
Hear Me Out

I like to give excuses for everything and anything. If Im not in the mood to do anything, I idle around.

I let my friends say as they please, but that don't mean I agree with what they say. I just accept that its their opinion.

I can be an ass hole. I can be the nicest person on earth. Just depends on who you are(:

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." -Matthew 5:8

Complains?
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lost episode -1

Been out the whole day. I enjoyed it quite a lot.

Breakfast with sera and matt is very heart to heart sorta shit. And surprisingly my brain was quite fast...enough to be on the same pace as sera's. Not a morning person here! And I have friends that I will keep for life.

Was it that obvious matt?

They were rather fast, maybe because I was zoning out/thinking. And I can still remember the whole convo very clearly.

The best thing sera's said all her life and its a monologue to which I took like 5mins to understand, "Jane, I'd like to see AHEM. For many reasons to none, you actually feel the same way because this has gotta be the first time you ever did like someone besides uh...yeah you know. And you are sucha not fickle minded person its almost painful. Like cmon not everyone can decide or even put their minds to anything, your amazing. But your eyes tell me simple truths and your not happy. So stop smiling because you're so good at faking it, it hurts for me as your buddy to look you in the eyes. And I wonder why you havent given up? In my point of view, its not foolish to have what you want, like you said, happiness is how far you want to reach for it. So I say to you dear friend, dont hold on if theres nothing for you in the end. You deserve happiness more than any living soul for the reasons of everything, but you dont deserve this. Patience has it end, you cant be waiting half the time for an answer that you wanna hear. Idate's reaction is only natural, I dont blame him or you, but you've sacrificed way too many things for this one thing that cant decide. Do you hear me when I tell you that you have given up too many things? I sure as hell know your conscience is killing you! You cant tell a lie without having 'im lying' all over your face. I am not ashamed of you, I will never be, I am proud of you, for many reasons to none, you can hold your head up and fake it that your okay. You tricked me once, you cant do it anymore."
Matt: "First off, sera and I love you. But do you think this is it Jane? It is real when we say, your eyes tell simple truths, your not happy but your happy....that makes absolutely no sense at all. I dont like to tell you what to do because your a grown little kid in your own little world, you make decisions that have and will change your life. The power has always been in your hands, God dont give us what we cant handle and obviously He thinks you can make your own decisions. And I believe you can too, in fact, I know you've already made up your mind, because by what you said, your mind is made up on it. I wont change your mind and I wont want to change your mind. You care deeply for that person, your eyes show that, and my toast is cold.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! yes he can effortlessly derail the bloody subject. Honestly sera, idate shouldnt be in this convo as much as I want to eat a cold kaya toast....mean like seriously its sawgy(derailing again), hes being a real pissy bitch about Jane, its not like she lied to him right? She only told him that she....." YES. Matt's convo will end there for those who dont know anything.

Waiting is torment of the highest level to me. And there are truths in what sera confusion said.
Its true, I have sacrificed a lot to get what I want, but its not a fools hope to believe. Its true, God gave me what I wanted, but theres always a price to pay. And it is true, Im paying for it now. But theres one thing that is not true. I am happy. I am willing to pay for it. I have accepted what I have done no matter how wrong it may be. But only God knows how I feel now, cause only HE can understand me, but now Ive distance myself from Him because I feel guilty, Ive lost two of my best friends and Im losing two more. I cant be honest anymore, I cant look my parents in the eyes, and I cant let go, because I dont want to. This means a lot to me, and my friends not accepting it, it kills me, you might as well end my torment and kill me, honestly.

Idate, I never in a million years wanted what we have to turn into what it is now, what ever happened to, forever lost in the woods together? I cant believe my eyes, the words you can say, but i wont let go of what I have, neither will I let our friendship go down the drain. Hear me out please! Im trying to explain to you, but you dont want to listen, Ive always been honest with you, Ive never lied to you, why wont you just hear my side of the story? I dont expect you to accept what Ive done, but for a friend, I may seem angry on the outside but your killing me inside! I thought you could fucking accept what Ive done, you could accept every damn flaw of mine, yet you cant forgive me for something like this.

NEXT.

Went out with pig, sheryl, janey, lanzy, manda, muttu. Havent seen sheryl in ages and well shes still the same! HAHAHAHAH! Walked around, went bowling, me&pig vs lanzy&janey.....we were leading but then they took over and won.....RIGHT....then we played truth or dare and.....secrets came outta the bag. HAHAHAH! After which we went back to white sands, lanzy and muttu left. So we went to the library, and bitching session with pig and sheryl, TWO OF THE BIGGEST BITCHING BITCHES HAHAHAHAH! Yeah...they were bitching bout ppl smoking, getting pregnant, lian cum bitch, sluts and what nots yeah? Mostly I was like "really ah? shes smoking?!" HAHAHAH! yeah, i dont bother with insignificant ppl yeah? LOL. Janey left. Then left the 4 of us, they continued bitching, I was thinking, thinking of what to do next, thinking of ways to explain myself, thinking of so many things.

Ps. TMR. Is think to myself day, I have plans for everything, yet when it comes to you, Im at a lost of plans. Something that was always so simple to me, now is harder than life itself. I am happy when Im with you, I honestly smile when I look at you, I am honest with you, I am thankful your mine, I do miss you. Its time to decide, its time to know what we want, I wont beat around any bushes anymore. I dont blame you for anything or there isnt anything to blame you for. You make my day even with (: